Tuesday, March 04, 2014

There Are Rules !!!! Some Thoughts From Our Metro-North Observer

As I mentioned in a recent blog post, THERE ARE RULES! Our Metro-North Observer (aka my good friend Marsh), was kind enough to share some helpful thinking and guidelines around eating on the train.  You may read the below points and think, "Common Sense."  But, as any seasoned train commuter knows, common sense is often left behind on the platform when boarding the train.  If we truly are what we eat, then it stands to reason that many of our fellow riders have been going for seconds and thirds at the "Clueless Commuter" buffet table. Commuter trains don't have dining cars.  They are commuter trains. They get you from A to B.  In this mathematical reference, A does not equal "Appetizer," and B does not equal "Bread Pudding."

The seats on commuter trains are REALLY close together. They don't have fold-up tray tables.  There aren't any napkin dispensers. There is no waiter service. There is most definitely a bill (gratuities optional).  These are pretty good clues that the train is not the ideal place for a meal.

Now with this in mind, sometimes you get hungry and you're in a hurry. You have to eat, right?  So fine.  Just remember the following RULES.

No Soup For You.  Let's see.  Hot liquid near my lap in a vehicle prone to sudden stops and jerks. What could possibly go wrong?

Cutlery is strictly prohibited.  Are you going to try to eat from that styrofoam container in your lap?  Using a plastic knife and fork?  Are you actually going to attempt to eat chicken cordon bleu with asparagus spears and baked potato on a moving train? Not only are you guaranteeing a trip to the cleaners, but you're going to make a mess in my space.  And possibly choke.  I'll have headphones on with my eyes closed, so I won't notice.  You'll have to perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself.

A plain bagel is fine.  An onion bagel is not fine. Tuna and whitefish on an onion bagel should result in a $500 fine.

So, eat in your car, on a park bench, at the deli counter, or, here's something radical: at home!

With many thanks to Marsh, for helping to provide constructive guidance to the commuting public, and for accepting the fact that I've edited his thoughts to be a bit more, um, family friendly.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter people with uncommon sense.
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