Sunday, April 06, 2014

"After an Earlier Incident," and Other Euphemisms

Today, we explore some commonly used announcements on New York Mass Transit. Oftentimes, what is said over the public address systems can be hard to follow or understand.  This blog post will help you translate those communications into useful information so you can get to your destination.


"There's a train directly behind this one."
We are lying to you.  There is no train directly behind this one.  Cram yourself in as though you're a clown and the train is a phone booth.

"The next express train will arrive in seven minutes."
We have no idea when the next train will arrive.  It will likely come sooner than seven minutes, so you won't really mind that we're making arrival estimates up.

"This 4 express train will make all local stops on the 2 line, before switching to the 5 line."
The train is going somewhere.  We're not sure exactly where, but we'll go there slowly.  Expect to reach your destination sometime after the next presidential inauguration.

"There is a red signal ahead.  Please be patient."
The engineer drank a 24-oz cup of coffee and could not wait any longer to use the bathroom.  Fortunately, it is only a number one, so the delay shouldn't be more than a minute or two.


"We are stopped due to congestion ahead.  We should be on the move momentarily."
See red signal message above.

"This train is going out of service, please exit the train."
Are you happy in the seat you've got?  Oh. Well, too bad.  We think you'll prefer the next train, in which you'll stand and be packed in like a sardine.

"After an earlier incident, trains are running with 20 minute delays."
Some guy turned himself into track salad.  We've used our track spatula to clean him up, but there's a backlog of trains.  Your best bet is to leave the station and walk.

"6:01 train to Hicksville on Track 13."
Run like zombies and knock over as many people as possible in an effort to be the first person to board.

"Grrble the Dmffbll on the greggkfl.  We repeat, Grrble the Dmffbll."
This is a critical announcement, and you don't want to miss a single word of it.  Your commute depends on your understanding of this message.


"Stand clear of the closing doors."
Move, you idiot.  

"Release the doors in the rear."
Move, you idiot.  

"Release the doors in the front."
Move, you idiot.  

I hope these translations from MTA to English help you reach your destination smoothly.  Just remember, the most important thing about commuting is that you MUST frxxbbBonen every single time the conductor swarthkkQloxnWgs.  If you do that, you'll be just fine.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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